Psychologists reveal why emotional recovery is rarely linear

The woman in front of the psychologist’s office mirror wipes away her mascara for the third time. “I was fine yesterday,” she mutters, gazing at the red lines under her eyes. “Why am I so sad again?” Her phone buzzes with a message: “Didn’t you say you were doing better?” She hesitates, then replies with a lie: “Yeah, all good now.” On the chair behind her is a neatly folded jacket, a resume, a life she’s striving to get back. But inside, chaos reigns. We’re taught that healing should be a straightforward progression: painful at first, then steadily improving. Yet, psychologists argue that real recovery looks more like a heart monitor during a stressful day.

Why Setbacks Are Part of the Healing Process

On social media, we often see before-and-after posts: broken one year, healed and glowing the next. These can be comforting, but they also create an underlying sense of failure. After all, a bad day suggests we’re falling behind or relapsing. However, psychologists observe something different in therapy sessions. Clients might cry in session three, laugh in session four, and feel numb in session five. From the outside, this can look like they’re getting worse, but from the inside, something deep is reorganizing. Take Leo, 34, who sought therapy after a painful breakup. In the first month, he cried every week. By month two, he was “doing great”—going out, working out, posting cheerful content. But one day, while grocery shopping, a song from his relationship playlist played. Suddenly, he froze, breathless, his hands shaking. That night, he texted his therapist, “Guess I’m back to square one.” But Leo wasn’t starting over. His brain had simply hit a memory trigger it hadn’t encountered in weeks.

Emotional Recovery Is Like a Loop, Not a Ladder

Psychologists describe emotional recovery as a series of loops rather than a straight climb. The brain doesn’t neatly file away pain—it revisits it, sorts it, and reinterprets it with new experiences. Each “setback” is the brain’s way of checking: “Is this still dangerous? Do we still need this level of alarm?” You might feel fine until a smell, a place, or a song brings it all back. The emotions can feel as intense as they did at the start, yet something subtle has changed: now, you can observe, name, and talk about it. This invisible shift is **what healing is truly about**.

Tracking Your Emotional Progress Without Judging Yourself

One simple yet powerful tool psychologists recommend is tracking your emotional ups and downs, rather than judging them. This doesn’t mean keeping a rigid journal filled with color-coded moods—just a simple daily check-in like, “Where am I today on a scale from -5 to +5?” Over the course of a month, the graph will rarely show a smooth upward trend. Instead, it will resemble a zigzag with tiny upward shifts. Seeing this pattern can quiet the inner critic that says, “You’re starting over.” You can look at it and say: “No, I’ve been here before, and I made it through.”

Why Comparison Is the Biggest Trap in Emotional Recovery

One of the most common mistakes is comparing your emotional state to others. We tend to compare our “bad days” to someone else’s “good days” or judge our healing by others’ timelines. Comparing your sadness to last week’s energy or your grief to someone else’s silent resilience makes each dip feel like a failure. Instead, therapists recommend comparing only one thing: today’s self to the self from last year. While no one consistently does this, those who try often find they react more quickly to challenges, ask for help sooner, and are able to bounce back a bit faster.

The Myth of “Overcoming” as Proof of Progress

Another pitfall is equating productivity with emotional healing. People often try to prove they’re “over it” by overworking, starting new projects, or cleaning their entire house. But when a tough day hits, the house may be spotless, but the heart still heavy. One psychologist shared: “Progress isn’t about never crashing. It’s about knowing where the soft cushions are when you do.” That’s why they suggest creating a “relapse kit,” not for addiction, but for the emotional rollercoaster of recovery.

Building Your “Relapse Kit”

Your emotional “relapse kit” can help you weather emotional storms without feeling overwhelmed. It includes a list of people you can text without explaining the whole story, a few soothing activities (such as walking, listening to music, or knitting), and a comforting phrase to read when shame hits, such as: *”Today’s dip doesn’t cancel yesterday’s growth.”* This kit doesn’t stop the emotional waves, but it helps prevent them from consuming you completely.

The Power of Accepting Emotional Wobbling

There’s a profound shift that occurs when you stop expecting a smooth recovery. The bad days no longer feel like personal failures. Instead, they feel like weather—unavoidable, but not a reflection of your worth. Psychologists refer to this as “emotional elasticity”—the ability to bend without breaking under feelings. With each emotional wobble and recovery, this elasticity strengthens. You begin to recognize patterns: “Ah, it’s the Sunday evening dip” or “I know this feeling—post-therapy fog.” Naming these emotions helps transform them from terrifying monsters into scheduled visitors.

Small Wins: The Heart of True Recovery

It’s easy to overlook small victories in recovery, but psychologists argue that they are the true markers of progress. Replying to a message you would have ignored, eating something when your appetite is gone, or showing up to work with only 60% of your usual energy—these are the quiet, almost boring wins that signify real healing. They may not be the triumphant, glowing moments we see online, but they’re where most recovery happens: in the messy, imperfect middle. And over time, you’ll notice that your next emotional storm feels less frightening. You’ve survived it before, and you will again. Emotional recovery is not linear, but it is learnable. The more you come back, the stronger you become, and you start to ask a gentler question: “Who am I becoming each time I return from this?”

Key Takeaways