Psychologists often describe certain phrases as emotional X-rays because they reveal how deeply we understand the people we care about. One sentence, in particular, goes far beyond a routine compliment. When used sincerely, it signals an unusually high level of emotional intelligence and makes the other person feel genuinely seen.
The psychology of feeling truly understood
For decades, scientists have explored what truly helps people feel happy and fulfilled. One of the most well-known projects, a long-running Harvard study spanning more than 80 years, has repeatedly reached the same conclusion: high-quality relationships play a crucial role in protecting both mental and physical health.
Strong bonds are not defined by how often people interact or how long they have known each other. Instead, they are built through small, consistent signals that communicate: “I see you, I value you, I understand you.” At the heart of those signals lies emotional intelligence.
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Emotional intelligence can be described as the ability to recognise, understand and regulate your own emotions while also tuning into the feelings of others. It appears in empathy, curiosity, kindness and, importantly, in the words we choose during everyday conversations.
Words do far more than fill silence. The right phrase, delivered at the right moment, can subtly change how someone views themselves.
A surprisingly powerful sentence
Psychoanalysts and relationship specialists often point to one simple phrase that can quietly reshape a connection:
“You’re really good at that.”
At first glance, it sounds ordinary, almost too basic to matter. Yet when spoken sincerely and with clear context, it touches a deep human need: the desire to be recognised for who we truly are and for the specific strengths we bring.
Broad compliments such as “You’re amazing” or “You’re great” may feel nice in the moment, but they often fade quickly. They are vague and can sound automatic. By contrast, saying “You’re really good at that” in reference to a specific action or skill highlights something concrete and real.
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This kind of specificity matters for several reasons. It shows genuine attention, points to a real strength rather than a blurry impression, feels believable instead of performative, and reinforces the other person’s sense of competence.
When you tell someone, “You’re really good at calming people down when they’re stressed,” you are doing more than offering a kind remark. You are holding up a mirror that reflects a quality they may not fully recognise or value in themselves.
Why this recognition feels so meaningful
From a psychological perspective, recognition is a foundation of emotional security. People need more than affection; they need to feel known. A comment that identifies a real, observable quality provides that sense of being understood.
Specific compliments like this act as a quiet emotional anchor. They help individuals form a steadier, more positive image of themselves. For someone who struggles with self-doubt, hearing “You’re really good at organising chaotic situations” can gently challenge an inner narrative of failure or inadequacy.
Over time, a handful of thoughtful acknowledgements can support a more secure sense of identity. There is also an element of emotional listening involved. To say this phrase honestly, you must have observed the person closely: how they react under pressure, how they communicate, and how they treat others. That level of attention is itself a form of care.
What this says about emotional intelligence
People who naturally use phrases like “You’re really good at that” often display traits linked to high emotional intelligence:
- They notice subtle details in others’ behaviour.
- They feel comfortable expressing appreciation.
- They sense when encouragement is needed.
- They avoid exaggeration and choose precise language.
- They focus on the other person, not their own ego.
This is not about flattery or manipulation. The impact comes from truthfulness. When the phrase is used without real observation, it loses its power and may even feel insincere.
Using the phrase so it truly resonates
The words themselves are simple. The difference lies in how and when they are delivered. A few thoughtful adjustments can turn a forgettable remark into a meaningful emotional lift.
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Be precise rather than vague
Link the phrase to a clear behaviour or moment. For example:
- “You’re really good at explaining complex things so everyone feels included.”
- “You’re really good at noticing when someone isn’t okay, even when they say they are.”
- “You’re really good at bringing calm when everything feels chaotic.”
The more concrete the example, the easier it is for the person to believe and absorb it.
Pick moments that matter
This sentence carries the most weight when someone has made an effort, taken a risk or feels uncertain. For instance:
- After a friend worries they hosted a dinner poorly.
- When a colleague defuses a tense meeting without noticing their impact.
- When a partner supports a family member during a crisis.
In these situations, clear acknowledgment can steady confidence.
Slow down and be present
Non-verbal cues matter. Rushing the words while distracted can dilute their effect. Eye contact, a brief pause and a calm tone signal sincerity. The phrase works best when it sounds like a considered observation, not a throwaway comment.
How relationships shift over time
When used honestly, “You’re really good at that” can subtly change the emotional tone of a relationship. It communicates attention, respect and value. Over time, these moments create a sense of safety.
People who feel recognised are more likely to:
- Open up about worries or self-doubt.
- Ask for help before reaching burnout.
- Respond with patience and kindness.
- Take on new challenges, trusting their strengths.
This forms a positive cycle. Recognition builds self-worth, stronger self-worth reduces defensiveness, and lower defensiveness makes conflict easier to navigate.
Everyday examples of higher-impact praise
Clear, specific recognition often sounds different from what people usually say:
- Friend after a breakup: Instead of “You’re the best,” say “You’re really good at listening without judging. That helped me so much this week.”
- Colleague after a meeting: Instead of “Nice job,” say “You’re really good at keeping everyone focused without shutting anyone down.”
- Partner with a child: Instead of “You’re amazing with the kids,” say “You’re really good at staying calm when they lose it. They trust you.”
Each version explains what the person did and why it mattered, allowing the message to linger.
Key concepts worth understanding
Recognition in psychology goes beyond praise. It is the experience of being noticed in a precise, respectful way. People who receive steady recognition early in life often develop more secure attachments.
Self-esteem reflects how we judge our own worth. It is shaped by messages from parents, teachers, partners and friends. Specific, credible compliments act like deposits in a long-term emotional account. They do not heal everything at once, but they accumulate.
Practicing this way of speaking
If this does not come naturally, it can be developed like any other skill. Spend a week observing people close to you and ask yourself:
- What do they do well that they might overlook?
- When do they handle something better than you would?
- Which of their qualities has quietly helped you recently?
Choose one observation and express it using “You’re really good at…” followed by the specific behaviour. Try it once a day and notice how the dynamic evolves.
One caution remains important. If compliments are used only to soften criticism or manage emotions, trust can erode. Emotional intelligence relies on genuine respect. This sentence reveals rare insight only when it reflects a thoughtful and honest view of the other person.
