The little boy, perhaps five or six, rushes through the door, drops his backpack in the hallway, and walks right past his parents. His destination: the old armchair where his grandmother sits, knitting something incomplete and uneven. Without asking, he climbs up beside her, leans on her shoulder, and suddenly, the entire room feels warmer. There’s no special occasion, no grand speech—just an ordinary Thursday—but you can almost feel the connection between them.
Psychologists would explain that this kind of love doesn’t just appear—it’s built through habits over time.
1. Offering Calm, Not Control
Grandparents who are deeply loved share one special trait: they create safe havens, not additional authority figures. They don’t rush to correct every word or action, nor do they compete with parents for control. Instead, they provide a different, calmer space where children can seek refuge after a tough day.
Without saying a word, their presence signals: “You’re okay with me, just as you are right now.”
Imagine a nine-year-old coming home after a tough day at school—a fight with a friend, a disappointing grade, or a teacher’s sharp words. Parents, caught up in their own daily struggles, are preoccupied with dinner and emails. But the grandparent sees the silent, slumped child. Without a barrage of questions or advice, they simply sit on the couch, pat the seat next to them, and begin peeling an orange, offering slice after slice.
In a few minutes, the child starts talking—not because they were forced, but because the environment feels safe enough to open up.
Psychologists emphasize the importance of co-regulation: children often mirror the calmest person’s emotional state. Grandparents, loved over time, are frequently that calm presence.
2. Creating Sacred, Small Rituals
Adults who reflect on their beloved grandparents often don’t recall grand presents but small, meaningful moments—like Sunday pancakes at 11 a.m., or sitting on the garden bench at sunset. These simple rituals, repeated enough times, allow children to anticipate, rely on, and claim them as their own.
Rituals give kids the sense that time isn’t just passing, but shaping them.
I once interviewed a grandmother who spoke fondly of “the blue mug.” Every time her grandson visited, they shared hot chocolate from that chipped blue mug—no one else was allowed to use it.
When he turned 18 and left for university, he didn’t ask for money or possessions. He asked if he could take the blue mug. That small object had become a container for countless conversations, stories, and winter afternoons.
Psychology refers to this as “emotional tagging”: strong emotions are linked to repeated experiences. A child’s love often becomes attached to these familiar rituals, creating the sense that “this time together is uniquely ours.”
Even occasional rituals, when done consistently and with care, become the memories children carry with them for years.
3. Listening Without an Agenda
There’s a unique connection between grandparents and children when the former listen with full attention. No phones, no distractions—just their full presence, absorbing every word, even the seemingly trivial ones about video games and playground dramas.
These grandparents resist the urge to turn every story into a lecture. They know that a simple “Tell me more” can be more valuable to a child than a long-winded “When I was your age…”
One teenager shared with a researcher, “I love my grandpa because he doesn’t try to win the conversation.” He listens, letting her share her online world, her favorite streamers, and her anxiety about exams. Then he asks one question: “How does that make you feel inside?” It might seem a little old-fashioned, but it’s sincere.
This deep listening creates a safe space where a young person feels both understood and supported, without judgment or unsolicited advice.
4. Respecting Parents’ Rules, Even When Disagreeing
The relationship between grandparents and parents greatly impacts the emotional climate a child experiences. Grandchildren feel safer when the adults in their lives are aligned, rather than at odds.
Grandparents who are beloved often have a subtle approach to disagreement. While they might think that certain rules are too strict—like bedtime or snack limits—they maintain loyalty to the parents in front of the child. This doesn’t weaken their influence; it builds trust.
Imagine a grandmother who thinks her daughter is too rigid about sugar. When the child asks for another cookie, the grandmother might be tempted to break the rules. But instead of saying, “Your mom is too strict, don’t tell her,” she responds, “Two cookies is the rule today. But we can make a special dessert together this weekend. What do you think?”
By maintaining harmony between parents and grandparents, the child feels secure in the love of both sides, without the risk of having to choose.
5. Sharing Their Own Story, Imperfections Included
One of the special joys of having a grandparent is hearing stories about their past—about the lives they lived before becoming grandparents. Loved grandparents don’t hide their flaws. They share stories about their mistakes, their challenges, and their imperfections.
A grandfather might recount the time he failed an exam so badly that he nearly gave up on school. He doesn’t sugarcoat it. He talks about the fear, the shame, and the shaky hands when he had to tell his parents.
Then he might say, “So when you tell me you’re scared about your math grade, I understand. I used to feel that way too.”
This doesn’t just teach the child a lesson about hard work; it reassures them that they are not alone in their fears and challenges. It’s this realness, this vulnerability, that creates a bond that goes beyond the perfect image of a grandparent.
6. Protecting Wonder in the Small Moments
Grandparents often serve as quiet guardians of wonder. They don’t need grand vacations to create magical moments. They turn an ordinary walk into an adventure, or transform the balcony into a place of discovery, inviting children to look closer, notice more, and keep their curiosity alive.
Even when tired, they may say, “Come, let’s see what the sky is doing tonight.”
Psychologists highlight the power of awe as a protective factor for resilience. Moments of beauty, surprise, or mystery help children cope better with stress. Grandparents, with their slower pace and openness to the world around them, are uniquely placed to create these moments of wonder.
Over time, these small moments become memories the child can carry into adulthood, providing an inner sense of peace during difficult times.
Key Takeaways
- Calm Over Control: Offer emotional safety rather than imposing extra rules. This helps grandparents become true “safe harbors” for their grandchildren.
- Small, Steady Rituals: Repeat small, shared moments like a special mug or a weekly call. These create lasting, meaningful memories with minimal effort.
- Respect for Parents: Support the parents’ rules in front of the child. This reduces conflict and strengthens family harmony and trust.
