Many adults quietly feel they somehow missed the lesson on making friends once real life took over. Careers, bills, relationships, children, and long commutes slowly replace the open stretches of time where friendships once formed naturally. Researchers have tried to identify the point where building new, meaningful friendships shifts from effortless to genuinely challenging.
The Age When Friendship Starts Feeling Difficult
A 2019 survey by research firm OnePoll, frequently referenced in discussions about adult social life, points to a clear turning point. According to participants, forming deep and lasting friendships becomes noticeably harder in the early twenties, with a sharp change around age 23. From that age onward, nearly half of respondents said that making solid new friends felt “difficult”.
At first, this may seem unexpected. People in their early twenties are often surrounded by classmates, coworkers, or shared living situations. Yet the findings suggest that this is precisely when social life becomes more structured, scheduled, and less spontaneous.
Why Age 23 Marks a Social Shift
Psychologists link this shift to several life changes that tend to cluster in the early to mid-twenties. These changes don’t reduce the desire for friendship, but they make the logistics and emotional energy required far more complex.
- First full-time jobs limit free time through long hours and commutes.
- Career pressure turns casual interactions into goal-driven networking.
- Romantic relationships often become the main emotional focus.
- Relocation scatters long-standing friendship circles.
- Early parenthood reshapes evenings and weekends for some adults.
Evie Rosset, a psychologist and lecturer at Anglia Ruskin University in Cambridge, explains that students operate in a uniquely social environment. Campuses, shared schedules, and flexible time allow friendships to develop through repeated, unplanned encounters. Conversations after class, lingering in hallways, or drifting between cafés create space for bonds to grow without conscious effort.
Once adult routines settle in, those unstructured moments disappear. Days become dominated by deadlines, responsibilities, and errands, pushing friendship lower on the priority list. Yet it is precisely those repeated, aimless encounters that build deep social bonds.
The Hidden Time Investment Behind Friendship
Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships puts numbers to the effort required for meaningful connection. The study suggests that roughly 90 hours of shared time are needed to move someone from acquaintance to friend, with significantly more required to become close friends.
For adults with packed schedules, those hours accumulate slowly. Unlike school or university, where daily proximity does the work, adult friendships rely on intentional planning—coffee catch-ups, phone calls, shared activities, or regular meet-ups. This level of coordination can feel uncomfortable or forced, especially when people fear rejection or assume others are already socially settled.
What Sets Adult Friendship Apart
Psychologists emphasize that friendship differs from family and romantic relationships because it carries no formal obligation. Clinical psychologist Boris Charpentier describes friendship as one of the few spaces where authenticity is encouraged rather than constrained by roles or expectations.
That freedom makes friendships uniquely restorative. Feeling accepted without conditions builds trust and emotional safety. Clinicians highlight three key elements that sustain healthy adult friendships:
- Authenticity by sharing genuine thoughts and emotions.
- Kind communication that balances honesty with empathy.
- Active listening that focuses on understanding, not responding.
Creating this kind of connection requires repeated contact and emotional openness. For adults already stretched by work and family, that investment can feel overwhelming.
Why Friendships Matter for Health and Happiness
Despite the effort involved, social connection is one of the strongest predictors of long-term wellbeing. The longest-running happiness study, conducted by Harvard University over more than 80 years, consistently shows that people with strong, reliable relationships tend to live longer, feel healthier, and cope better with stress.
Strong friendships are associated with lower rates of anxiety and depression, improved physical health, greater life satisfaction, and a stronger buffer against daily stress. Treating friendship as optional leisure time conflicts with evidence suggesting it functions more like a foundational health habit, comparable to sleep, movement, and nutrition.
Why Many Adults Feel Socially Stuck
People in their late twenties and thirties often describe a sense of social stagnation. Existing relationships may feel shallow or fragmented, while new connections form only through work or children’s activities. Common barriers repeatedly emerge:
- Fear of judgment or appearing needy.
- Past disappointments that increase emotional caution.
- Perfectionism that delays connection.
- Perceived lack of time that discourages effort.
These psychological hurdles combine with structural challenges such as irregular hours, frequent moves, or unstable work environments, especially in large cities.
How to Build Friendships After Your Early Twenties
While research highlights age 23 as a difficult transition, it does not suggest that close friendships are exclusive to youth. Friendship simply becomes intentional rather than accidental. Psychologists suggest practical approaches:
- Deepen existing weak ties with neighbors, coworkers, or acquaintances.
- Commit to recurring social routines like clubs, classes, or shared walks.
- Be proactive by suggesting specific plans.
- Accept that awkward beginnings don’t predict poor outcomes.
The concept of “social fitness” emphasizes that relationships strengthen through small, consistent efforts. Brief messages, short calls, or shared jokes all contribute meaningfully to building connection over time.
Understanding Social Capital and Loneliness
Two key concepts often appear in adult relationship research:
- Social capital, referring to the network of people available for support, advice, or help.
- Loneliness, defined not by isolation but by a lack of depth or reliability in relationships.
A young professional who relocates frequently may maintain a busy schedule yet feel disconnected due to low social capital. In contrast, someone with fewer contacts but deeper, more reliable relationships may feel far less lonely. The difference lies in emotional safety and mutual support, not social volume.
The Cost of Neglecting Friendship—and the Power of Small Steps
Public health researchers now recognize chronic loneliness as a serious risk factor, comparable to smoking several cigarettes a day. Long-term isolation is linked to higher blood pressure, sleep disturbances, and increased mortality risk.
Encouragingly, even small social actions can change this trajectory. Joining a local group, establishing a weekly ritual, or opening up slightly in conversations can gradually rebuild a stable social network. The research does not claim friendship becomes easy after the early twenties—it shows that the effort invested continues to deliver lasting benefits well beyond social convenience.
