8 phrases deeply selfish people often say without realising it

We’ve all experienced that moment when someone drops a sharp comment in a conversation, and the room falls silent for a brief moment before everyone awkwardly moves on. It happened to me at a birthday dinner recently. One woman arrived late, flustered, explaining her delay because her child was sick. The host sipped her wine and responded with, “Well, we all have the same 24 hours.” For a split second, the room went quiet before the conversation continued, as if nothing had happened. No one acknowledged it, no one said, “That was harsh,” but the mood shifted. That’s when you hear selfishness most clearly—not in loud arguments, but in these polished, everyday phrases that seem normal on the surface but reveal so much about someone’s true intentions.

“That’s Just How I Am” – The Defensive Shield

This phrase might seem like a declaration of self-acceptance, but it often shows up right after someone has hurt you and doesn’t want to engage with the impact of their actions. For example, imagine a colleague who constantly interrupts you in meetings. When you express that it bothers you, they casually shrug and say, “That’s just how I am, super direct.” The next meeting comes, and they interrupt again. Over time, you stop speaking up, and they keep talking. Your ideas fade away. On the surface, everything looks fine. But inside, your sense of worth shrinks, bit by bit. This phrase hides a refusal to change. It says, “Accept me as I am, or leave.” It may sound like confidence, but it’s often laziness disguised as authenticity.

“You’re Too Sensitive” – The Gaslighting Response

When someone uses the phrase, “You’re too sensitive,” the issue isn’t what they said—it’s your reaction to it. You flinch, feel hurt, or speak up about something that bothered you. Instead of taking responsibility, the person invalidates your emotions. “You’re too sensitive” dismisses your feelings and places the blame on you for reacting, not them for their hurtful words. Imagine a partner making sarcastic jokes about your body in front of others. When you tell them it’s hurtful, they wave it off and say, “Relax, you’re too sensitive.” The next time it happens, you feel the sting again but also feel guilty for feeling hurt. This manipulation tactic, also known as emotional gaslighting, turns your pain into their comfort. It’s a form of control disguised as concern.

“I’m Just Being Honest” – Honesty or Cruelty?

Honesty is a valuable trait, but when someone uses the phrase “I’m just being honest,” it often follows a comment that feels more like a criticism than a truth. It’s used to justify harsh words that sting. A friend might say, “It’s great you got promoted, but you’re not director-level yet. I’m just being honest.” Or, when you share a photo, they may comment, “You look tired and older.” Over time, these comments chip away at your confidence, leaving you hesitant to share any of your wins or vulnerabilities. The problem with this phrase is that it’s often used as a free pass for unkindness. Real honesty considers the timing, tone, and impact on the other person. Selfish individuals use “honesty” as a shield, avoiding the responsibility of being gentle. The question to ask is, does their “honesty” leave you feeling stronger or smaller?

“You’re Overreacting” – Avoiding Responsibility

“You’re overreacting” is often a tactic to shut down a conversation without addressing the actual issue. When you bring up something that’s bothering you, they minimize your reaction and make the conversation about your perceived overreaction, not their behavior. For example, if a flatmate consistently pays bills late, you might express your frustration about the late fees and stress. They might respond, “You’re overreacting. It’s just a few days.” What they fail to recognize is that those “few days” involve much more than just late payments—they come with the stress of managing your finances and communication. This phrase is manipulative because it shifts the focus from their actions to your emotional response. It’s an easy way for someone to avoid taking responsibility and sidestep any meaningful change.

Responding to Selfish Phrases

When you hear these phrases, take a mental pause and notice how they make you feel. Do you feel smaller, misunderstood, or dismissed? The next time you hear one of these phrases, consider responding calmly: “I’m not talking about how sensitive I am. I’m talking about what you said,” or “I hear you don’t have time right now. When will you be able to talk about this?” These responses focus the conversation back on the issue at hand, rather than letting it turn into a defense of their behavior. By challenging these phrases one conversation at a time, you can shift the dynamic and regain control over how you communicate your boundaries and feelings.